The first rule of the Wellness Center...

This semester I will go to the gym every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

I am not the gym type, and today was my first day.

While getting ready this morning I realized just how unprepared I was. My tennis shoes were stolen in Guatemala so I was forced to take some of my brother's old shoes.

The shoes I borrowed are the fancy basketball kind, which made me feel like I was in "Larry Bird Mode". And as much as I like to dominate on the gridiron (that's the basketball court right?) I was just looking to go to the gym.

But as I sat down to put on the shoes I realized one of the laces was missing. I was forced to replace it with the lace from my brown dress shoes. Now if that doesn't say "skilled athlete" I don't know what does.

Once at the gym I started using some of the machines and getting my cardio on. I still, however felt out of place. All of the other people in the gym looked like they came all the time; they had the clothes, they knew the machines and each other. You could tell they felt comfortable working out at the EAC wellness center. I knew I fit in the least.

I am a list person. I like to rank things to keep them clear in my mind. For instance:
INDIANA JONES MOVIES IN ORDER OF AWESOMENESS

1. The Last Crusade
   
2. Raiders of the Lost Ark
3. Temple of Doom
4. The stupid alien one

That is just what I do in my head. Here's another:
MY SISTERS IN ORDER OF HOW MUCH I FEAR THEM

1. Katie
2. Markee
3. Rylee
   
4. Chelsee
   

Or
THINGS I WOULD BRING WITH ME IF I WERE DESERTED ON AN ISLAND

1. A boat

Or
WEBSITES I LOVE TO VISIT

1. www,tannerandbryan.blogspot.com
   
2. Facebook
3. Wikipedia
4. Youtube
5. cheaperthandirt.com
   

Or
THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN TAKE A MATH CLASS

1. Get a cold sore
2. Get a paper cut
3. Get a paper cut on my cold sore
4. Receive a wedgie every hour, on the hour, all semester from Dr. Phil.
5. Contract the shingles

That is just how I like to think, and as I sat on my exercise bike this morning, watching the Price is Right (I miss Bob Barker by the way), breathing heavily and trying to keep my shorts from riding up the only list I could think up was:

PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE THEY BELONG IN THIS GYM

1. Every person here
2. Me

I was at the bottom of the list. For sure.

And then it happened.

A man walked in, got on the machine next to me and began workin his little muscles.

This would normally be of no consequence, except this man was wearing jeans, loafers, a braided leather belt and a polo (tucked into the jeans, of course).

I don't really know why he would come to the gym to do a workout dressed like that, but he did.

And because he did I instantly felt better. Below is a visual depiction of the effects.

Thanks you, confused middle-aged man. Your wardrobe gaffe has engendered confidence in this bosom.

No Shave November: The Novembeard and its Ultimate Demise

For those of you who have never heard of "No Shave November" I shall explain:

In November, You No Shave.

Got it?

It swept the nation, and this year it swept me up with it. I started the second week in November, but I did not shave until Dec. 1st. I will admit, however, that I did do some trimming.

I have never grown out my facial hair, and so I decided to try it.

Any man who participated suffered from some of the masculine side effects of "No Shave November", including:

• Dramatic increase in grunting/ red meat consumption
• Excessive use of flannel
• A rejection of modern conveniences such as: indoor plumbing, deodorant and tooth care items
• Heightened urge to maim/kill/barbecue innocent animals
• "Me sleep more time" is heard throughout man caves everywhere
• Desire to organize a wagon train and travel the "Oregon trail"
• The Bass Pro Shop is referred to as "Mecca" or "Valhalla"
• Urge to trade in current car for a truck
• Refusal to travel without an ax, shotgun and/or jug of moonshine
  
• Regular sacrifices are made to a statue of John Wayne

This is my Novembeard

Its really not a beard is it? More of a November goatee...
The pre-Christmas month goatee of excellence
Before I got out the razor I used some scissors to shorten the matter up a little
I shaved off everything but the mustache. I think I look like a French used-car salesman
I couldn't resist trying the Adolph stash. It was a Hit. :)

The freshly shaved final finished face.



I was not a huge fan of the facial hair until I realized that when I had it, no one asked me for I.D. when I bought shotgun shells or spray-paint.

And then, once I shaved, I was not a huge fan of the 12-year-old look either.

Leave your two cents in a comment below

SHAVED OR SCRUFFY? Which do you prefer?

Be honest! I still don't know which I like best....

Thanks for the Kindle!

Well ladies and gentleman, let me here officially announce that I was chosen as a winner in the blogging contest, and that I have been awarded a new Amazon Kindle!





I am truly grateful for this gift, and I must give you credit for my winning. You diligently voted for me when I asked and that helped to get me into the judging.

Also, my brother Chantz must be given credit. I am sure that his girly belly laugh in the winning post was a key factor to the victory. In the end it was somewhat like a business.

I created a product.

You supported it because you liked it.

You gain joy and happiness and I gain payment (a kindle).

But of course, this means that I am the only one that wins a Kindle. My blog currently has about 100 registered followers, who can be seen on the right had side of the page. Out of roughly 100 members, I (the creator/author) am the only one who won a Kindle.

That makes me the dreaded 1%!

If you have been following the news recently you have noticed the "Occupy" protests that have been going on. They are unhappy with the wealthiest 1% of the American population.

I feel it my American duty to be progressive and fair-minded by OCCUPYING THE COLOG!

I will hereby cut my Amazon Kindle into equal pieces and distribute it to my loyal fans.

I mean after all, is it fair that I, the creator of this blog get an award for my work? What right do I have to claim the reward for my effort? That sounds un-American, unfair and illogical.

I sincerely apologize for working in order to make a good blog that people like. I am sorry that I won an award. It is shameful that I accept payment for doing what I do. Why that sounds like...The American Dream!

Sincerely,

The Colog 1%.

Blogging Contest: Why You Should Vote for Me

You will all notice that right at the top of this page there is a little blue button that says "click to vote" on it.

I am currently in a blogging contest, and by clicking on that button you are helping me get one step closer to winning the contest, which means I get a new Amazon Kindle.

Now, with all the Presidential debates going on right now on TV you are probably tired of hearing all the mudslinging and the campaign talk.

I will now give you a list of simple reasons why you should click
that blue button (vote for me)

1. I am not running for President of the United States (yet).


2. I am currently the only American man in the contest (for real).
   


3. I am not a member of the Ku Klux Klan. (No one should be.)


4. I have been nominated multiple times as "best uncle" by the 10 members of my niece and nephew jury.


5. I speak Spanish (ole!).
   


6. I wore an argyle sweater to church yesterday.
   


7. I was once stung by a jelly fish.
   


8. I am a poor college student.


9. I love using parenthesis (I'm not really sure why).
   


10. I do not have an Amazon Kindle (yet)

If that doesn't convince you, only empty promises will.

In that case, here is a list of empty promises. If I win I will:

1. Withdraw all American troops from Antarctica.


2. Make it illegal to sell packages of 10 hot dogs along side packages of only 8 buns.
   


3. Form a stronger trade alliance with France so that we can get cheaper French Vanilla Ice Cream.


4. Declare every Friday "National Ice Cream Day" (see number 3).
   


5. Outlaw the production of Speedos (you know you want it to happen).


6. Place Nicholas Cage at the top of the "Worst Actors" list.


7. Make blog-stalking an Olympic sport


8. Un-make swimming an Olympic sport (see number 5).
   


9. Declare "The Andy Griffith Show" to be the official American television show.


10. Stop the production of candy corn (NOBODY likes that stuff)


11. Pass a law limiting the amount of cologne a man can put on before entering an elevator.
    


12. Declare The Jonas Brothers to be public enemy number 1. And 2. And 3.

The contest ends the 18th of November, which means that we still have several days to rake in the votes.

If you have already voted, pull out your cell phone immediately and call the person whom you can influence the easiest. Get them to vote for the Collog.

VOTE FOR ME!

The 4 little uteri that could...

I understand that the majority of people who visit my blog are not my immediate family members. Because of that, I will offer a quick recap of my family tree:

First off, here is my oldest sister named Katie. She is the one on the right.

This is sister number 2, Rylee. She is (probably) (currently) my 4th least favorite sister.

Chelsee, number 3. She is the 'non-existent' one.

Markee, number 4. She's the crazy one.

Each of them is a wife. Each of them is a mother. But today I ask you...have they done enough?

Have they done enough to bring joy into my life? I'll be the first to admit that they have brought SOME joy to my life. On a joy scale of 1 to 10 they have brought me 10. Their names are:

1. Mary-Kate


2. Ryder


3. Camdyn


4. Lowee


5. Layne


6. Nash
   


7. Peyton


8. Davis


9. Charlee


10. Ezra

Once again I ask: Is it enough? Is it America?

I am here to give the answer. It is NOT enough.





Some may accuse me of being selfish. Other still might say it's none of my business. But the following mathematical equation should help us all to understand:

ninos + uncle race > everything else in the world

That was approved by science.



Now, I'm sure all the sisters will have separate excuses. For instance:

Katie: I'm reaching the age where child bearing is no longer physically possible.
Me: Katie, you are old but you still have some kids under your belt (pun)

Rylee: I just had a baby. I'm the last on the candidates list.
Me: Man up, this is my happiness we are talking about.

Chelsee: (inaudible meek whisper)
Me: I don't care if your current children are monsters! They are cute monsters!

Markee: But the next one might come out looking like me instead of its daddy.
Me: Thats not a....ok actually that is a pretty legit excuse.

If my sisters would stop being so selfish and start being a little more fertile, my life would be even greater than it currently is.

I would go instantly to an 11 on a scale of 10.

But really sisters this is a tribute to you and your uteri. You are good moms and your kids are highly cute.

My conclusion is that if you have the ability to produce such precious ninos, you have the RESPONSIBILITY to produce precious ninos.

I hereby issue a decree: THE FIRST SISTER TO BEAR THE NEXT CHILD WILL RECEIVE THE FOLLOWING PRIZES

1. The privilege of naming the munchkin after me. Race if its a boy and Raciena if its a girl.
   


2. I will give your big pregnant feet a massage at any point during your gestation. Limit one massage per pregnancy.
   


3. I will personally buy you whatever psychotic food you may be craving during said pregnancy (tuna and ice cream, pickle and peanut butter sandwiches etc.). This of course only applies if you live in the same city that I live in. Which none of you do :)

Now get crackin!

My Shoes

Since it is impossible for all of you to be in my shoes, (either at the same time or individually) I feel the need to post about some recent events, situations and other sundry happenings that I think are interesting.

So you will notice that this post has nothing, in fact, to do with my actual shoes.

The first event was a classroom discussion in my Cultural Anthropology class. I like that class about as much as I like gummy worms. And I hate gummy worms.

We are currently discussing sexism, gender roles in a society, racism, discrimination etc. The following is a crude representation of what happened in that class and in my mind (notice the use of capital and lowercase letters) :

Teacher: "What is race?"
My Thoughts: My first thought "Well Race is 6 feet 2 inches of awesome." My second thought "Noun. A biped of the Caucasoid persuasion, possessing great aptitude in the field of making a fool of himself in public situations."

Teacher: "How can race effect our lives?"
MT: "Well it depends on how well you get to know me."

Teacher: "Is there more than one race?"
MT: "My Facebook search seems to indicate that yes, there are many, I have never met another, however."

Teacher: "What does it mean to be a racist?"
Me: "Well considering that a Marxist follows Marx and a Darwinist believes in Darwin, a Racist must be someone who believes in or follows Me. Right?"

As you can imagine this went on for a while in my mind. There is no one who really knows my name in that class. Therefore I am now letting you all know what its like in my shoes. On this same note, I don't pay a lot of attention in Anthropology.

Moving on to my English classes. In Ms. (Dr.) Simonton's class this was one of the take home assignments she gave us. No bull.

"Write a Faulknerian sentence at least 50 words long, using linking words, subordinate clauses, and parenthetical asides."

Now that may sound like gobs of fun to you, but I often leave that class feeling like an idiot. That's what homework feels like in my shoes.

I now have to go do homework. But thanks for stopping by the Colog, ya bunch of Racists! :)

Please leave a comment (i'm sorta in a competition)

My name is Race and I go to college

My life has been quite busy lately. Let's take a look at where I am and what I have been doing, shall we?

These are the books required for only 2 of my classes; Western Literature and Literary Criticism. 2 classes, 4books. The scientific name for these books is now-I-don't-have-icus free time-icus. Very dangerous species.




This is another of my least favorite parts of the EAC campus. It may look like a simple raised portion of sidewalk. But it is oh so much more. Its scientific name is make-me-trip-icus in-front of-girls-icus




It gets me almost every time. Right in front of the Library.

Also, the first Sunday I was here the Sacrament meeting schedule at the LDS church where I go was changed. It was a one-time thing but it threw my schedule off. I eat at the cafeteria. I missed lunch. This was a big deal considering I could not buy food (Neh. 10:31). We were in a difficult position.

That is until we pooled our resources (brought from home) and made the following Sabbath Day feast.



It consists of two homemade cookies, a single bran muffin (split precisely in half) and some room temperature root beer. Ingenuity!


Despite the previous statement about having all of my free time taken from me, I have managed to escape the grasp of my assignments periodically and have a (small) social life. Myself and Jordon Udall whipped up a delicious pan of 'double date' this weekend. We went to the ward pool party and then on a bowling extravaganza. Observe:

Jordon and his super date Kammie.

Myself and my super awesome date Julie.

He looks good and he IS good. In the second game he blew us all out of the water.

This is Kammie's patented method "The Maschue Roll-Through". It's incredibly effective.
Her not paying attention.
Me not paying attention.


Fun date. Good times.