Sunday, December 21, 2008

Don't ask, don't tell

So now that i'm back in Eagar, my duty of drving around Hughley has resumed. Hughley is a friend of the family who lives alone. He's in his 70's and we take him to the grocery store, the bank, to pay bills and stuff like that. I hadn't been in town for 24 hours before he gave me a call and had me take him around. The last few years i have been taking him around have yielded a cornicopia of thoughts/advice. I call them HUGHLEY THOUGHTS*. Some of these little gems include:

  • If a beggar ask for money tell them your wallet is in your other pair of slacks. Its the best way.

  • Pnemonia: easy to catch, son of a bitch to get rid of.

  • Black people just sit and fish in ponds all day.

'Hughley thoughts' do not represent the views of me, blogspot, or any affiliated companys.

These are prime examples of the little nuggets he tosses my way. They generally vary from advice, musings, and most often cross over into personal information no one should share with anyone who doesn't have an M.D . after their name. Such as:

  • Enemas make me so weak my hands shake.


So when Hughley called yesterday and neded to go to the grocery store i took chantz and we headed out. As we were driving Hughley made the comment that he needed to buy some prune juice. Now, i'm no genius...i got my share of C's in High School. And yet i'm no dummy either, so when he said he needed Prune Juice i knew exactly why he needed it. And yet there was a deep, abiding, almost primeval urge deep inside the core of my soul.... to hear Hughley Rogers say "constipation". And so against my better judgement i piped right up and asked "So Hugh what is the Prune Juice for?" "Well i'm just so damned constipated i can't hardly stand it. I'm like a damned turkey i'm so stuffed up." Victory.

Well of course Chantz and I being the mature gentlement we are tried as hard as we could not to laugh. I immediately tried to change the subject. I asked him about the windstorm that had come through the other day. "Oh ya it knocked a tree clear down" he said. But me and Chantz were too busy clenching our teeth to stifle the laughter to listen to him. When i burst out in the middle of the next sentence he asked "Why you laughing?" I tried to change the subject and focus on somehing sad (i use mental pictures of Cameras being dropped) but nothing was doing the trick of giving me a straight face. So when Chantz and Hughley went into the store Hugh-dog asked Chantz "What the hell is so funny about a fallen tree?"


Kates said...

Oh Huley! I love getting the Huley texts from you they make my day. I can totally picture you trying not to laugh and then busting out! It made me crack up!

Rylee said...

Oh Hu-dog, so stinkin funny Race. Reece and I love the Huley texts too. I just read the story to Reece and it was even funnier hearing the story outloud.

Chelsee said...

Words of wisdom to live by!

Tina said...

Race, you are definitely my comic relief. Huley used to scare me. He'd walk right in when I was practicing the piano and scare me right off the bench. But you and your mom and A. Tonna are securing you spot in heaven for being so good to him!!! The scarey thing---he's your uncle paul's relative. Uncle Charlie says if Paul is successful in his weight loss, he'll look just like him! Thanks, U. Charlie!!!

The Tanner and Bryan Experience said...

Enemas make me so weak my hands shake

I can't stop laughing

Markee said...

haha I too love the Hugh dogg texts!! I really do love him though!! I can picture you and Chantz busting out in laughter!! hahahah

Linds said...

I'll have you know that not only do I immensely enjoy reading your blog, I read it out loud to my brother and sisters and we all laugh like crazy. My sister is of the opinion (as am I) that you need to write a book. About something. Anything. Oh, and how do I get in on Huley texts?!

Smiths said...

My favorite Hugh-ism:

Me: Hey Hugh, did you hear we got a Sonic in town?

Hugh: Why do we need one of those? We already got a Submarine.

Me: hahahahaha Subway Hugh, Subway.

wendilla! said...

I want to meet that man for many reasons. First of all, his name is Hughley. Secondly, I love old people in general. Thirdly, I love when old people say great things.

PS Race, you have a good taste in music. That is all.