Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The first rule of the Wellness Center...

This semester I will go to the gym every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

I am not the gym type, and today was my first day.

While getting ready this morning I realized just how unprepared I was. My tennis shoes were stolen in Guatemala so I was forced to take some of my brother's old shoes.

The shoes I borrowed are the fancy basketball kind, which made me feel like I was in "Larry Bird Mode". And as much as I like to dominate on the gridiron (that's the basketball court right?) I was just looking to go to the gym.

But as I sat down to put on the shoes I realized one of the laces was missing. I was forced to replace it with the lace from my brown dress shoes. Now if that doesn't say "skilled athlete" I don't know what does.

Once at the gym I started using some of the machines and getting my cardio on. I still, however felt out of place. All of the other people in the gym looked like they came all the time; they had the clothes, they knew the machines and each other. You could tell they felt comfortable working out at the EAC wellness center. I knew I fit in the least.

I am a list person. I like to rank things to keep them clear in my mind. For instance:
INDIANA JONES MOVIES IN ORDER OF AWESOMENESS
  1. The Last Crusade
  2. Raiders of the Lost Ark
  3. Temple of Doom
  4. The stupid alien one
That is just what I do in my head. Here's another:
MY SISTERS IN ORDER OF HOW MUCH I FEAR THEM
  1. Katie
  2. Markee
  3. Rylee
  4. Chelsee
Or
THINGS I WOULD BRING WITH ME IF I WERE DESERTED ON AN ISLAND
  1. A boat
Or
WEBSITES I LOVE TO VISIT
  1. www,tannerandbryan.blogspot.com
  2. Facebook
  3. Wikipedia
  4. Youtube
  5. cheaperthandirt.com

Or
THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN TAKE A MATH CLASS
  1. Get a cold sore
  2. Get a paper cut
  3. Get a paper cut on my cold sore
  4. Receive a wedgie every hour, on the hour, all semester from Dr. Phil.
  5. Contract the shingles

That is just how I like to think, and as I sat on my exercise bike this morning, watching the Price is Right (I miss Bob Barker by the way), breathing heavily and trying to keep my shorts from riding up the only list I could think up was:

PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE THEY BELONG IN THIS GYM
  1. Every person here
  2. Me
I was at the bottom of the list. For sure.

And then it happened.

A man walked in, got on the machine next to me and began workin his little muscles.

This would normally be of no consequence, except this man was wearing jeans, loafers, a braided leather belt and a polo (tucked into the jeans, of course).

I don't really know why he would come to the gym to do a workout dressed like that, but he did.

And because he did I instantly felt better. Below is a visual depiction of the effects.

Thanks you, confused middle-aged man. Your wardrobe gaffe has engendered confidence in this bosom.

11 comments:

What Spoiled My Eggs? said...

Favorite cousins
1. Ashlee
2. Everybody else

Best blog post ever. Suuuuuuper funny.

Markee said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! I have no words, doubled over in laughter!!!

Curtis Gardner said...

Going to the gym is like using self-deprecating humor. People end up laughing at you, not with you.

Kathleen said...

You might be the funniest person I know! But on another note.... Good job on going to the gym! Don't want to pack on ugly unhealthy pounds!!!!!!!
You rock!

Jenny said...

That was the funniest thing I have ever read. Seriously. Thanks for the laughs. P.S. You do not update this blog enough.

Chelsee said...

Dr. Phil put me right over! you are funny. What size of shoe do you wear? Text me

Brenda said...

Hilarious!

The Tanner and Bryan Experience said...

I totally commented on this post. Did you delete it or am I just a technological moron?

Lets start at the beginning (a very good place to start). I finally buckled and bought byui approved sports clothing (a requirement to use byui recreational facilities)and so I look at this post as a harbinger of future humiliation (did I learn the word "harbinger" in Mr. Raines's class? yes).
I am pleased to see the correct order of Indiana Jones greatness. Though I wan't aware there was a stupid alien one. In my mind there have only been three.
Moreover, I am pleased to see that my blog has not only made your list, but also made t to the very top. I am humbled to tears (almost) by this.
Dear Race, would you like to make an alliance with me and run for political office? You can be president and Ill be your VP. What do you think?
A tip of the hat to you my friend. Your blog never ceases to wow.

Funambulist said...

:) Great post!
www.nannicoc.blogspot.com

Nilu said...

You're so funny!!! Love, love, love your blog!!!!

Keep writing and keep the pics!

Stephanie said...

I'm a blogger crawler (I just hit the "Next blog" button and hope to find something good to read) and I had to laugh when I saw this... I'm sick today so instead on going to class, I'm hiding out in my library so I don't give my sickness to the little ones I work with. But thank you really, I believe laughter to always be the best form of medicine! (: