Thursday, March 1, 2012

Mustache March: An ode

"Mustache March" is often referred to as the step-son of "No Shave November". Be that as it may, it is still a novelty facial hair awareness month; it deserves our respect and participation.

  • Note: "Mustache March" is not be confused with March of the Mustaches, a documentary about the migration patterns of the wild Antarctic mustache.

Men across the country will shun the razor and the cream in an journey towards a hairy dream. As we embark on this, the first day of March, let us reflect upon some of the mustaches that have influenced our culture.

This is Tom Selleck, or "Treacherous Tom" as he is known around my apartment. His mustache is like the welcome mat to his face. A welcome mat that has thrilled Americans for decades.

That my friends is Chuck Norris; and while that patch of hair on his face is technically called a "mustache" it should be noted that it is recognized by the United Nations as its own autonomous country.

Chuck Norris once wiped paint off of his mustache: Michelangelo has been taking credit ever since.

According to optometrists. a leading cause of vision loss in the US is eye contact with Chuck Norris' mustache.

Chuck Norris' mustache is where the wild things are.

The song "Highway to the danger zone" is in actuality a map to find Chuck Norris' mustache.

The reason that mustaches are not allowed past the corner of the mouth at BYU is because in 1974 Chuck Norris used his mustache tips to murder the President of Utah State.

The grapes of wrath are real, and they sprout on Chuck Norris' mustache when Jupiter is aligned with Mars.

It is a little known fact that John Wayne once used this famous facial accessory. However, his mustache died shortly afterward due to prolonged exposure to the presence of John Wayne. Deadly stuff.

Mario, the beloved video game character, is a proud flaunter of the lip rug. He tried to join the American Mustache Institute but was denied because of his illegal immigrant status from Italy.

This famous American game-show host named his mustache Jeppo van Damme

Who is Alex Trebek?


Albert Einstein sported the facial fur. He, of course, is remembered as the man who developed the theory of relativity and helped in the use of atomic energy. It is less known, however, that the first atom ever split was an atom of his mustache. The bomb developed from this atom was so powerful that it destroyed the state of East Virginia. That is why you haven ever heard of it.