Wednesday, July 11, 2012

1 Timothy 4:8. (Fo Shizzle)

I have another post about working out.  Because apparently:

Race + Exercise = Comedy

The last post about the gym (found here) was a hit. A pre-mission post about exercising (found here) was also apparently entertaining. Those were about embarrassing myself in Arizona; this one is about embarrassing myself in Utah.

Hooray for diversity.

I have set some gym goals that I will achieve this summer: going every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, trimming down my mile time, etc.

As I walked up to the gym (which I had never set foot in before) I noticed a rack of those airport-style-pay-50-cents lockers. I assumed that inside the gym there would be more of the same. Not only am I out of shape, I am out of shape AND cheap. I did not want to pay to put my stuff in one of those babies. Do you know how much Ramen I can buy with 50 cents!?

So I went into the bathroom around the corner and came up with a clever scheme involving the bathroom counter and my bag.

It was a genius plan (I thought). +10 points for creativity.

 Until I walked into the actual gym and saw this

Well there is the first dumb move of the day.

I nosed around a little, to see what machines they had (that I would like try out- without rupturing/tearing/herniating something). I formulated my attack plan, and began to do some work.

 I soon spied a guy from my ward, which normally would be a cool thing. Except that this is the guy who has veins sticking out of his veins. This is the guy who snorts protein powder to get the day going.

He is a super nice person, don't get me wrong, but me working out next to him would be like

Justin Beiber having a jam session with the Beatles.

It would be like Tom Hanks acting alongside Keanu Reeves

It would be like Morgan Freeman having a narration-off with Don Knots

It would be like Shakespeare co-authoring "Twilight in Venice" with Stephanie Myers

OK, so this is clearly an exaggeration (I am not that out of shape and he is not that ripped) but you get the point.

I avoided him the whole *cough* minutes that I was there.

 My plan was to start on one of the machines, move to the free weights, next on to a different machine and then to the treadmill.

This was going well, until the treadmill.

Despite my name, I do not enjoy running. My mom runs every morning, and she named me so that may have something to do with it. My personal opinion is that God created cars so that we don't have to run.
However, I will suspend this dislike for a little while each week. I run as exercise mostly so that my heart won't explode the next time I have to hustle to class when I sleep in (no cars on campus). I also do it because (as I have mentioned before) a man once told me on the golf course that my legs looked "like putters sticking out of my shorts into my shoes". Thanks to you know who you are whoever it was.

By the time I was done with the first part of my workout and got on the treadmill, I was kinda tired.

As I started my running, I began to think what I always think about on the treadmill:

  • "If you got the grocery store check-out conveyor belt going real fast, do you think you could use it as a treadmill?" 
  • "Maybe air is poisonous, and it just takes 80-90 years to take effect." 
  • "Do you think that gyms always have mirrors on the wall so that people like me can see how goofily we run and never come back?"
It was at this point that "Set Fire To The Rain" By Adele (song link here for people who have been living under a rock have never heard it (talking to you Chelsee)).

Now, Adele is my girl.

Like fo real.

 Here are reasons why Adele is the shiz.
  1. She can SING (as opposed to basically everyone else on the top 20 these days). 
  2. When others are obsessed with being unhealthily skinny, she isn't afraid to be a lil hefty. Props sista!
  3. She was 21 when she produced this song (and she wrote it). 
  4. She has the ability to make me want to "shake my groove thang". That is a rare sight- I am as bad at dancing as I am at finishing sentec... 
  5. She makes me feel soulful (notice the use of "fo real" and "sista" above).
So when she came on I sang along. Then I realized that singing Adele in the gym is just as bad as wearing a brown shoelace to the gym or getting tired after just a few blocks of running.

But I don't care, haters gonna hate.

The more appropriate words to the song in that moment may have been:

"This sets fire to my legs
I Feel them burn as I cannot breathe
Let me off! Let me off this cursed machine".

Then I looked down and saw this:

I decided to follow the instructions.

So I hopped off the machine, and I am never going back!


Rylee said...

You have to go back! If not for the exercise just for more posts like this. You are one talented/hilarious kid Racer!

Chelsee said...

Excuse me I do know who Adele is...but no I have never heard that song. how did you know?

Kelsey Davis said...

Just a few words that remind me of your adventures: "I choose NOT to run." Which ironically the name of that episode is "The Race."

Stephanie Force said...

I don't remember how I came across your blog, but I'm glad I started to follow it because this really made me laugh. And it is for that reason that I want to pass on the Liebster Blog Award to you, check it out here: