Sunday, July 29, 2012

Peace Through Superior Firepower

I was briefly but passionately involved in a feud. There is a back story.

The girls from Virginia apartment 5 came into our house--unprovoked-- and stole our lamp.
This is a big problem since we line in a cave with no lights. Thanks San Quentin Liberty Square.
 After this happened my roommates stole a microwave, toaster and ipad from Virginia 5.

They steal from us, we steal from them right?

Our lamp was gone and the thieves left a ransom note. My part of the ransom was to take Kelsey (one of the Virginia 5 robbers) on a date. Ray and I planned a date and took the girls on a fun hike/date. Even though we each had stolen things from the other, this date was a part of the fulfillment of the ransom terms. It was a peace offering.

Here are some pictures from the hike to Stewart Falls.

We had a great time. Top a hike like that off with some In 'N Out burger and you have had a great Saturday date.

When we got back, I realized that all was not well in Yorktown 1. I'm not saying that the girls used the date to get us out of the house, but I am putting it on the table for consideration.

I ...... ascertained that someone had put Saran Wrap on our toilet. Great. I then went to take a shower and thought "Amateur prankers would try the bullion-in-the-showerhead routine". I checked and indeed, they had tried that tired old trick. 

They turned up our thermostat to 90 degrees. Not cool ←(pun).

But when I realized that they had taken Mario Cart from me, it was then that I lost it. As referenced in a previous post, Mario Cart is a big part of a college man's life. They had (without provocation once again) crossed a line.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and stop this mess. Innocent people (like Ray from the pictures above)  we getting hurt and taking soupy showers. Someone had to come along and bring the hammer down.

I decided to follow successful models of others who had gone before me:

Batman had to play rough to stop the Joker. Sometimes you gotta drop a brotha off the 3rd floor, ya know?

It would have been better if WWII had never had to have been fought. But it was brought to a swift close with the implementation of an unprecedented weapon.

The US dropped the bomb. They sent a message that said THIS COULD GO ON FOR YEARS, BUT MAYBE THIS WILL CONVINCE YOU TO STOP NOW.

This was the course I took. They messed with the bull, and I was going to give them the horns. 

I went to their house. Through the art "of flattery, and much power of speech" I was able to convince them that I thought their Saran Wrap deal was funny, and that I wanted to help them get back at Jake (my other awesome roommate) for stealing the iPad. 

Why on Earth they believed me is beyond me. But they did, and I convinced them that if I could have access to their house I could return all their stuff. Of course, I told them, it would have to be later that afternoon when most of the ward would be off at an activity. That way, no one would know I was the defector. 

This whole act must be attributed to the Shakespeare class I am taking. 

Iago, the famous double-crosser from the play Othello says "I am not what I am". He takes advantage of Othello's "Free and open nature that thinks men honest that only seem to be so."

I was just practicing what I had read.

I used my power of words to convince them. It was at this point that they gave me the key to their apartment.  It can't be this easy! 

Armed with this, I just waited for the girls to text me and tell me that nobody was in their house. When they were kind enough to leave me the house to myself, I slipped over and (despite their belief that I was on their side) took the most valuable thing from them I could think of. 

 I mean honestly, what does an apartment of 6 girls do without bathroom doors?

Oh yes, I did. 

With just a turn of some screws and a bit of trickery, I showed Virginia 5 that you do not want to mess with Race Davis. 

They returned to their home, hoping to find that Benedict Davis had fixed their problems, only to find that they had been duped. 

The curtain was drawn back, and the Wizard of Oz was revealed (as were their bathrooms). 

Leveraging the fact that I had their bathroom doors and a key to their apartment, I had them sign the following treaty. It shall hereafter be called the treaty of VirginiaTown:

Be it known to all nations and kindreds on this day, the 28th day of the month known as July in this, the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, that we the undersigned do hereby agree to the following conditions:
For the occupants of Virginia 5
1.  To return the illegally obtained lamp to the lightless inhabitants of Yorktown 1.
2.  To return all of the illegally obtained Nintendo paraphernalia to said inhabitants.
3.   To hereby relinquish all animosity towards/plans for retaliation against the occupants of the aforementioned apartment. It will be over. Done with. Finished. This feud will give up the ghost.
For the occupants of Yorktown 1
4.  To return the expertly obtained bathroom doors as soon as is possible.
5.  To return the expertly obtained apartment key as soon as is possible.
6.  To cease and desist all feud activities, in accordance with term number two (listed above). Yorktown 1 will be at peace with Virginia 5.
In the household of good fellowship, let this ultimate show of force be the last. May harmonious amity blossom once again between our apartments. Our signatures bear record to the fact that we agree to conditions 1-6 listed above. May the dews of heaven drip their sweet and peaceful libations upon our war-parched tongues.

It was signed almost immediately.

And their was much rejoicing. 



Rylee said...

I for one would sign that treaty! There's no way I'd be able to do any business in a bathroom with no doors!!

The Tanner and Bryan Experience said...

That's the way to do it. Just go straight for the throat.

Chantz H. Davis said...

That's my boy!!! You definitely have Sherwood in ya! Couldn't be prouder!

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Erin said...

holy cow. That was bloody brilliant.

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