Wednesday, January 9, 2013

My Lawsuit Against BYU

I have not blogged in months. For this I am ashamed. I have been busy with classes, and I blame my professors for my lack of posts.

I know what you all are thinking, and YES you may sue BYU for emotional damages incurred as a result of the cougar-induced Brigham Yog Famine. Click here to proceed to the office of my attorney, he will handle all cases against the free-time crushing monstrosity commonly referred to as Brigham Young University. 

I am now starting a new semester here in Provo, and the following are my not-so-interesting ramblings about...stuff.

Stuff #1- My classes.

 My class schedule this semester is a little nutty. My high school experience (which was an adventure on the high Cs (that was a solid pun)) did let me in on one secret, which was that I like English and Literature.

I am currently enrolled to take 5 English classes at once. I will probably end up not doing that thing, mostly because (for me and my time-management skills) that is the academic equivalent of challenging a 9 year old to a most annoying sound contest. In both scenarios you will probably fail, and will certainly end up with a headache.

But currently I am scheduled for the following classes:
  • Writing Literary Criticism
  • Major Authors (Hawthorne and Melville)
  • The American Novel
  • British Literary History I
  • Myth, Legends and Folktales
That is all. I wish I did not have to drop any, but I bet at least one has to go.

 That is not all of my books, either.

Stuff #2- The American Novel (so special it gets its own "stuff" point).

After only a few hours of experience, this class has already emerged as my favorite for the semester. There are a few things that impress me about this class. First, I will say that the fact that the teacher Dr. Cutchins looks a little like Quentin Tarentino is neither a plus nor a minus to the course, but is pretty cool:

Picture of Dennis Ray Cutchins

DISCLAIMER: OK, these men look nothing alike in these pictures. But come to class on Monday and Wednesdays and you will see.  In person it is a much stronger resemblance.

The reading list is awesome as well:
  • Moby Dick- Herman Melville
  • Daisy Miller- Henry James
  • Catcher in the Rye- JD Salinger
  • Shipping News- EA Prouelx
  • Dialogic Imagination- Mikhail Bakhtin 
  • All the Pretty Horses- Cormac McCarthy
  • The Sun Also Rises- Ernest Hemingway
  • The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn- Mark Twain
  • Mosquito Coast- Paul Theroux
Some of those are not my favorites (looking at you Salinger!) but I am excited to have Dr. Cutchins show me the error of my ways.

Another thing that instantly won me over to Dr. Cutchins was the fact that he used a curse word in class on the second day. I wont say which word it was, but it does appear in the bible (which makes it ok), and it was awesome.

And if anyone who has the ability to fire Dr. Cutchins is reading, I was just kidding about the curse word thing. (But I'm totally not).

Stuff #3- Trivial Pursuit

Outside of school, I have learned something important: there are only 2 types of people in this world: people who love to play trivial pursuit, and people who would rather use sandpaper as toilet paper for the rest of their lives rather than play trivial pursuit.

I happen to love the game, as do most of my roommates. We often drag unsuspecting friends and girlfriends into the game. While that does not always make for correct answers, it does make for entertaining answers. Heather Bitter will go down in history as the all time best answer giver in the history of Trivial Pursuit. Some of her best work includes:

  • What animal is the result of a horse and a donkey breeding? 
    • Heather's answer: "A zebra!"
  • What actress starred with John Wayne in "Rooster Cogburn and the Lady"?
    • Austen's answer: "Katherine Hepburn"
    • Heather's retort "Um Austen, that is not a person. I think you mean Audrey Hepburn." 
This is the same girl who thought (and I kid thee not) that a "bowel movement" was a type of surgery.

Stuff #4- My New Job

I now have gainful employment as a security officer at the LDS Motion Picture Studio.


That is me at my desk. And yes, I do carry one bullet in my chest pocket. I really love working there. It is fun, exciting, and I get plenty of homework done.

Stuff #5- I once told my readers about a great mug that I bought. It was a mug among mugs (click here for the story).

I now present to you chapter two in my mugnificient journey:

That is a mug with a serial number. If I attacked someone with it would be assault with a deadly drinker. I could use it in a drive by juicing. I use it to drink Smith and Wesson cider, Colt cola, Remington rum, Beretta beverages, Nine Millimeter milk, Pistol Pop, Semi-Automatic soda, Hair Trigger tea, and Glock Gatorade.

Unfortunately, Mike Bloomberg will probably take it away from me soon, both because it is a weapon and because it holds more than 16 ounces. (Double political joke).

This violent vessel was a Christmas present from my sister Markee and her husband Eric. Thanks!

That is all the stuffs I have to share with you guys today. I don't know if you can call it a promise if you know you will break it, but here goes:

I promise to blog more.

And to end this wonderful post, here is a picture of me in a huge sombrero:



The Tanner and Bryan Experience said...

I commented first because I love you the most. Moreover, the High Cs was indeed a solid pun. Please keep your promise and blog more. Don't be a turd out there.

Chelsee said...

Yes, please blog more. I forgot how much I miss a good post!

Sophia Adam said...

for 40% off grey gifts for any occation visit

News said...

Good ;) -a mix for quiet nights and loud thoughts

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Keith said...

Just stumbled over here. Wandering the blog road.

Can I just say. I envy you your reading list there. To get to read and realize those nine books. Enjoy the process and the privilege.

bos daiwei said...

Anyway, that was the type of day I was having and I was not happy (in spite of the constant practice of gratitude, mindfulness and other happiness-boosting techniques.)
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courtneyclare said...

Dude how is BYU? I went to high school in Utah, and I was thinking of going to BYU for college...but I'm an Irish Catholic who stereotypically drinks a lot. I'm not sure I would fit in

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